Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
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Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?