her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
You Might Also Like
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My brain is a bad influence on me
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.