Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job