boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
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Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.