[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
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it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.