Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Whisper out to librarians!
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no