“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
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Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Thursday Thought.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are