I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
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Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
No regrets in 2018
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
i was baptized in a car wash
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths