Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
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[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair