If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
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I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*