Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
This why you should mind your business
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?