PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
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Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I thought this was funny lol
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.