cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
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Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?