*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
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Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.