Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
tinder is all about the long game
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.