Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool