just left a huge legacy in there
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Taliband
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body