scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Remember folks 😂
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga