Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
You Might Also Like
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.