My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
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Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.