and this one
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I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??