My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
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Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years