No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
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My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
The pasta is now
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams