[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
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Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
live, laugh, laundry.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I feel attacked.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night