Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
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Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The biggest mystery of our time
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here