Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
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date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
They’re on their honeymoon
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!