I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
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After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.