I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck