Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
is this a threat
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Bless you
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms