If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
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Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.