“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.