went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
True freaking story!
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.