this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.