Every haunted house movie:
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[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week