Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
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Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?