After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
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I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.