When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
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I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?