I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I remember when things only cost an arm.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.