Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
You Might Also Like
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.