every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
same bro
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator