Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
channeling her this year
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Good advice.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult