Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
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If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.