H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu
Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
The Birdles
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!