When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”