Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.