Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
You Might Also Like
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Bike is short for Bichael.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?