*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
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My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
(Gaming support cat.)
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
seems like a niche market
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”