The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
You Might Also Like
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
The Assassin.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent