Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
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I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
How high do the levels go?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Me trying to reach for my goals
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.