You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
all that yoga finally paid off
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
When they try to steal your moment.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind